Yesterday is a blur and I am not looking forward today. I went to bed crying last, we all did. And today, I woke up crying.
As I sit here, my heart quietly continuing to break, my eyes all red and swollen, having barely slept, I am filled with……
It’s all consuming and I don’t even know where to begin to start the healing.
I am scared I will never heal. I am scared I will be stuck in this awful, devastating place I am in at this exact moment.
And yes…..Alone. However, I am not alone. I have a house full of loved ones, all pulling together in the same heartbreak, all trying to figure out….What next?
When other’s around me suffered the loss of a loved one, I would offer the same heartfelt apologies that I’ve been hearing, “I’m sorry, so sorry for your loss” among a litany of other condolences. I would watch in horror as these families tried to mourn the loss of the beloved person taken too soon, at the wrong time (we feel in our hearts anyway), unexpectedly, or maybe expectedly. Who knows? I didn’t know their circumstances, I didn’t understand their pain. All I could see in passing, is they were mourning someone. My heart always broke in those moments for what those families were suffering. In those moments of someone else’s suffering, compassion was there long enough to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” words that roll so easily off the tongue in just the right moments. I mean, what do you say in the face of someone else’s tragedy or loss?
When my two older sons lost their step-mom, a woman who loved them dearly and devoted her life to helping create the wonderful people they have become, I opened my arms to those sweet babies of mine. Their pain at that time became my pain. I believed at that time, I couldn’t feel any worse pain than seeing my two children suffering so much.
Looking back, thinking of those moments when I offered my words of sympathy to the ones in mourning, I know I felt those words so deep within my heart. I meant those words with all my heart. I would often wonder what it must be like, how awful they might be feeling at that moment. I grieved with them through that time. In an indirect way, that loss affected me as well.
But, my day would go on. My wonder was fleeting as I had something to get back to…..anything to keep my mind from wondering to far into such an abyss. The pain at just the mere thought of such a loss was too much to handle…..Their pain, however, lasted much longer – still to this day- than mine did.
But now……I am that person.
My heart is no longer filled with compassion, a compassion that comes in and out of our lives at just the moment we need it in order to offer those words of kindness in moments of sadness.
My heart is just breaking.
Breaking because of that same loss, the death of my beloved son.
I have been told a multitude of encouraging words, words that are said because people just don’t know what to say. They want me to know I am not alone and that they care.
Trust me, I hear you.
I hear every single word of sympathy.
I hear every single word of well-meaning encouragement.
I appreciate every hug or hand-on-the-shoulder touch.
However, with this dark, luminous cloud, the feelings of question, doubt, love, and loss hovering over my head, nothing makes sense to me right now.
Everything is a blur.
I keep hoping, praying that I will wake up from this horribly bad dream to see my Darren driving into the yard or him texting me, ‘I love you mom.’
One of the last moments he was with us here at the house, I watched with joy and laughter as he and Dylan were tossing the football around with Devin. I watched, in awe, at how far they could get that ball to fly. I decided I would give it a try. The ball barely made it half the distance of his and Dylan’s throws!
What a wonderful moment!
I will cherish memories with him forever.
Please keep him and our family in your prayers over the next weeks as we stumble our way through the healing. I am not sure how long it takes. Maybe the healing process is one that never ends, but eventually it’s gets easier. Doesn’t it?
One of the most encouraging sympathies I’ve received yet is……
I love you my dear sweet niece. If I could give you anything it would be time because only God and time can heal the broken heart. You and your family are in our prayers. ~Aunt Tina
Please bare with me in the months that follow. In grief, I may respond in a way on unlike me. If I respond in a questionable way, please just pray.
I love you all. Thanks for your gente and kind words as well as your prayers. They are much needed.