Life Moment #9 – One Question After Another

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When I was a CNA, we learned through the CNA training that there are five stages of grief:

  • denial and isolation
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression and
  • acceptance.

Well, I am definitely grieving the loss of my precious son. My mind just keeps going over and over his life: when what he was feeling began, why wouldn’t he talk about it, who he turned to for help, his relationships, the people he blamed for things in his short life, those who loved him, those who didn’t, his opinion of himself, his last thoughts, he first thoughts of that fateful day, did he plan or was it spur of moment, and why…why wouldn’t he let anyone help him?

I also keep going over the day he took his life: where was he, what were his last thoughts, doubts, lots and lots of doubts about everything, what happened, what time he died, did he wait for someone to come to him, his last words, the note he left…..

So. Many. Questions.

I’ve been thinking about the last time I saw him, his mood that day, what he said, what I said….

And then the questions like: Did he know how much I loved him? Did he know how much I though about him while he was at his dads? And why one particular girl wouldn’t retract her claws from him? And why he couldn’t get this girl out of his head?

I keep rethinking all the conversations I had with him and with her. I keep thinking of when I heard the news and how long he had been dead before I was notified. Just about everything surrounding his death is one BIG mystery to me.

I want to know!

And I want to know details surrounding that day that I do not know, and probably will never know because his dad refuses to talk to me.

He wouldn’t plan the funeral with me.

At the last minute, that side of our son’s family cut out of the luncheon following the burial – without notifying us of their withdrawal – leaving us with a lot of leftover food.

My son has been gone two weeks. Just losing him was hard enough, but with all the added complications of his dad’s side of his family, it has just been harder. His dad has answers I do not have, but he refuses to share with me.

The whole mess is just that.

One. BIG. Mess!

Through all of that, I am also remembering all of my good memories with him: his birth, his toddler years and teen years, time talking to him, goofing off with him, his sporting events, watching him interact with his siblings and his cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents, family vacations, these last days, being with him through his troubles…..

It’s all their, clamoring up my mind, interrupting my sleep, making me sad, and quite frankly, making me crabby!

It’s going to be a looooonnnggg summer.

Please continue to pray for our family.

Peace be with you always ♥♥

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