Life Moments # 12 – It Can All Be Over Within a Second — Lesson Learned!

My son taking his life has taught me one thing for sure:

To those who believe you never to be good enough, you never will be.

Those who think the world of you, they always will.

I hate that my son took his life because he didn’t feel good enough for some people.

It breaks my heart every day to know that a sweet soul such as him carried so much pain in his heart……pain he kept hidden…..pain he didn’t talk about…..pain that he wrestled with every single day of his life.

Prior to my son’s death, he got into some trouble over a girl. Prior to my son’s death he had lived with his father for fifteen years except the two months at the beginning of this year that he lived with me.

I cannot not stress it enough:

Pay attention to your loved ones. Watch for changes in their behavior, their moods, their actions, their words. Pay close attention so when one small thing is different you will notice. And when you notice, talk to them about it. Reach out to them. Let them know that you noticed that small change and you want to be there for them in whatever they are dealing with that caused the change.

My son took his life. He did that. He is responsible for his action no matter how bad it hurts those who loved him, love him still.

But why?

Why did he take his life?

Why didn’t he reach out to someone?

What was so deep in his heart to hurt him enough to do what he did?

Maybe these are questions I will never get the answers too. I’m not okay with that, but I don’t get a choice.

Something very precious was taken from me and others.

And I am left with questions, dreams for him that will never happen, and reminders of him everywhere around me.

His youngest siblings will never know how awesome he was.

His nephew/niece will never know him at all.

He will never graduate or travel the world like he wanted.

He will never finish the work he wanted to do on his truck or tough truck the Nissan as he planned to do.

He will never marry or have kids of his own.

He will never photograph another sunset or draw another barn.

He will never strum another string on his guitar.

He will never visit Australia or snowboard in the Swiss Alps as he talked about.

He will never do so many things that he dreamed up.

My son is now forever seventeen.

And I’m not okay with that either.

So much of his life un-lived.

I miss him so much and think of him every day, every night.

Please, if you only ever remember one thing that I’ve written, if you only ever take heed to one thing, take heed to this:

Love your children now because one dsy may not come and then you will have nothing but your memories.

My son once said, if he were ever gone it would just be nothing, just Darren, gone.

I can see the pain in his words. I can feel the pain in his words,

but he was so, so wrong.

To me, it’s not just Darren gone,

It’s a BIG piece of my heart missing for the rest of my days on this earth, a BIG hole.

He’s not just gone..

….he took a piece of me with him.

 

 

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As you all know, I’m sure, my son took his life one month and four days ago.

It’s been a tough month. My son’s paternal grandmother tried taking over the funeral planning. It was only through our own digging and my oldest son, that my husband and I found out about the funeral planning meeting. Fortunately, we were able to attend. The funeral director was less than helpful to us on that day. He informed us that since my son’s father and I weren’t together that if the father and I couldn’t agree on funeral plans then he would be going with the father’s wishes despite what century code (law) and custody order says. To top it off, the father was not even present, his mother was. Well, since I am the mother of my son, I wasn’t going to let her push me around. Although, sneakily, she had already decided on him getting cremated and where his ashes would be buried.

She wanted him buried 25+ miles away in a town he didn’t want to live in but was forced to move to (had been there less than a year) rather than the town he grew up in, the town where he was conceived and raised in, the town where much of his family and friends are. I fought that and she grudgingly gave in when she realized I wasn’t backing down.

After that bump in the road, she sneakily threw in later on, as I was having a private conversation with my husband, that my son was being cremated. At the word cremation, I quickly looked up and informed her he would not be getting cremated. The funeral director and the grandma tried to convince me otherwise. I stood my ground about cremation, got up to leave and said, ‘he better not get cremated or I will sue this funeral home,’ and walked out.

Since my son’s dad was not present and I was, his dad relinquished all rights to the funeral planning as per state law. Without me there, they couldn’t move forward with planning. The funeral director later called me and the grandmother agreed to the burial rather than cremation.

As per the agreement, since I wanted him not cremated then I had to purchase the vault, the casket, and the cemetery plot. I also had to pay for preparation of body for burial.

My husband and I were able to cover those costs, but are running short on cost of the headstone.

Please consider donating. Your kindness is appreciated more than I can put into words. The link is below.

https://www.gofundme.com/darrens-funeral-expense

Shannon Avard

Life Moment #11 – Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion….Applied Where?

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Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion

—Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Yes, it says motion.

However, after some contemplation, this law applies to interaction between human beings, otherwise known as karma or pay it forward or ‘what comes around goes around.’

Is there any truth in it?

Does it mean if person A does this then it will result in this or that happening to person B?

Who knows?

What I do know or somewhat certain about is this: if we practice acts of kindness, it may very well be the difference in someone’s life….a life that potentially ended with self-harm.

What is tbe ultimate sacrifice?

— To give one’s life for another.

We see it with our polupo officers and our soldiers every day.

The world is full of theory….this theory or that theory and on it goes.

However, generally speaking, we get out of life what we put into it.

So, what does that mean?

One example – treatment of others. What is going to happen to those you livl most if you treat them poorly. Tbey will, in all probability, leave…go away from you.

We makw chouces every day to walj away from things that bring us down. We may decide at a later time that forgiveness is necessary and try rebuilding the relationship.

Unfortunayely, some choose a more drastic approach because their pain is just to much to bear and felt there was no other way out of the darkness that surrounds them.

Friends —

Think long and hard about your actions and words toward the people you love. Hardness of heart is the true evil as it stunts the growth of your relationships. Beware of the evil. Practice kindness, selflessness, humility, and love.

In the end, we are accountable for the ugliness in our hearts. We are accountable for OUR actions and OUR words. We can ONLY control ourselves. We cannot control others. Mind your tendency to control.

 

 

 

Life Moment #10 – To My Son in Heaven

Grief is a process that may never end…..

My heart has never been as broke as it was when I heard the news that you were gone. And with each day that goes by, it breaks a little more.

These days, I feel like I am in a dark hole, trying to claw my way out. My fingers digging in, getting torn to shreds as I try with all my might to get up out of the darkness.

I can’t breath.

I can’t think.

I can’t sleep.

The tears flow so easily, almost uncontrollably.

It takes everything I have to contain myself throughout the day.

Darren, when you died, you took a piece of my heart with you, a piece that can never be replaced so I will forever walk around with this gaping hole in my heart.

The feelings, the grief, the anger just seem to be getting worse as time moves along. I still have so many questions about what happened, questions that may never get answered.

Some days, I feel like I am okay, that I can function but then a memory surfaces, or a place, or a person, that reminds me of you and that great big hole in my heart opens up again.

Other days, days such as this one – June 14, 2018 – nothing makes sense. The hole stays open all day. The world around me is going and going while I feel like I am standing in the middle of it all, seeing, hearing, maybe even speaking, but not really there. I can’t focus on anything long enough to really know what’s going on, I am just going through the motions, most of which I do not remember. The noise is deafening to my ears, and everything is just noise.

I have yet to go through your things. I am scared, Darren, scared of the finality of that time. I know you are not longer here on this earth with me. I know I will not see you again until my times comes….

but…..

Going through your things will be so final.

I can’t even bear to think about it.

When does the pain end, Darren?

When will my heart be okay?

When will I be able to walk down the street, talk to your siblings, or make a phone call without dropping on the floor in a complete mess of tears?

If the pain I feel right now, at this moment, is anywhere near the pain you felt, I can definitely understand your actions.

I wish you had made a different choice. I wish you had talked to me or to your dad or to someone. I wish people had listened. I wish people had paid attention.

I wish, I wish, I wish…..

Through all of this, through all the pain and heartbreak, through all my memories of you, I hope you know one thing….

I hope you know how much I love you. I told you every day, so I hope you remember.

My heart breaks daily because I want you here with me, with us, but I know you are happy now. I know that your pain is gone. I know you walk with angels.

I love you, son.

I loved you from the moment I knew of you in my womb and I will continue to love you to the end of my time on this earth. I love you.

Be happy now and smile at the beauty that surrounds you. I know you are in heaven and one day, I hope to see you there.

Love Mom

He Was…..

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To you…..

He was a nothing, a nobody.

To me…..

He was everything, very much a somebody.

To you…..

He was just someone to be controlled.

To me…..

He was an individual with his own ideas.

To you…..

He was just a little punk.

To me…..

He was a little boy who needed to be loved.

To you…..

He was only a problem to be disgusted with and handled all the time.

To me…..

He was a life, someone to be treasured and nurtured.

To you…..

He was just another person for you to make feel small, unwanted.

To me…..

He was a person to be encouraged and who could love others.

To you…..

He was someone to belittle, to take your anger and resentment out on.

To me…..

He was a beautiful light in a dark world, a beautiful soul with a big heart.

To you…..

He was someone who you couldn’t mold into the same hateful person so common in society.

To me…..

He was my little boy, someone who I love with my whole heart, someone you took from me until you finally took his life.

Hate. Greed. Control. Manipulation – that’s how you finally took my little boy. He wasn’t these things, but you were.

I will love you forever Darren Jacob Wallace.