Life Moment #10 – To My Son in Heaven

Grief is a process that may never end…..

My heart has never been as broke as it was when I heard the news that you were gone. And with each day that goes by, it breaks a little more.

These days, I feel like I am in a dark hole, trying to claw my way out. My fingers digging in, getting torn to shreds as I try with all my might to get up out of the darkness.

I can’t breath.

I can’t think.

I can’t sleep.

The tears flow so easily, almost uncontrollably.

It takes everything I have to contain myself throughout the day.

Darren, when you died, you took a piece of my heart with you, a piece that can never be replaced so I will forever walk around with this gaping hole in my heart.

The feelings, the grief, the anger just seem to be getting worse as time moves along. I still have so many questions about what happened, questions that may never get answered.

Some days, I feel like I am okay, that I can function but then a memory surfaces, or a place, or a person, that reminds me of you and that great big hole in my heart opens up again.

Other days, days such as this one – June 14, 2018 – nothing makes sense. The hole stays open all day. The world around me is going and going while I feel like I am standing in the middle of it all, seeing, hearing, maybe even speaking, but not really there. I can’t focus on anything long enough to really know what’s going on, I am just going through the motions, most of which I do not remember. The noise is deafening to my ears, and everything is just noise.

I have yet to go through your things. I am scared, Darren, scared of the finality of that time. I know you are not longer here on this earth with me. I know I will not see you again until my times comes….

but…..

Going through your things will be so final.

I can’t even bear to think about it.

When does the pain end, Darren?

When will my heart be okay?

When will I be able to walk down the street, talk to your siblings, or make a phone call without dropping on the floor in a complete mess of tears?

If the pain I feel right now, at this moment, is anywhere near the pain you felt, I can definitely understand your actions.

I wish you had made a different choice. I wish you had talked to me or to your dad or to someone. I wish people had listened. I wish people had paid attention.

I wish, I wish, I wish…..

Through all of this, through all the pain and heartbreak, through all my memories of you, I hope you know one thing….

I hope you know how much I love you. I told you every day, so I hope you remember.

My heart breaks daily because I want you here with me, with us, but I know you are happy now. I know that your pain is gone. I know you walk with angels.

I love you, son.

I loved you from the moment I knew of you in my womb and I will continue to love you to the end of my time on this earth. I love you.

Be happy now and smile at the beauty that surrounds you. I know you are in heaven and one day, I hope to see you there.

Love Mom

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2 thoughts on “Life Moment #10 – To My Son in Heaven”

  1. He knew…his friends knew because they saw it and he talked about it…he knew you loved him, don’t ever doubt it. I knew you loved him even before I met you in talks with my son. Sending you all the strength I can momma

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  2. He knew…his friends knew because they saw it and he talked about it…he knew you loved him, don’t ever doubt it. I knew you loved him even before I met you in talks with my son. Sending you all the strength I can momma

    Like

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