Grief is a process that may never end…..
My heart has never been as broke as it was when I heard the news that you were gone. And with each day that goes by, it breaks a little more.
These days, I feel like I am in a dark hole, trying to claw my way out. My fingers digging in, getting torn to shreds as I try with all my might to get up out of the darkness.
I can’t breath.
I can’t think.
I can’t sleep.
The tears flow so easily, almost uncontrollably.
It takes everything I have to contain myself throughout the day.
Darren, when you died, you took a piece of my heart with you, a piece that can never be replaced so I will forever walk around with this gaping hole in my heart.
The feelings, the grief, the anger just seem to be getting worse as time moves along. I still have so many questions about what happened, questions that may never get answered.
Some days, I feel like I am okay, that I can function but then a memory surfaces, or a place, or a person, that reminds me of you and that great big hole in my heart opens up again.
Other days, days such as this one – June 14, 2018 – nothing makes sense. The hole stays open all day. The world around me is going and going while I feel like I am standing in the middle of it all, seeing, hearing, maybe even speaking, but not really there. I can’t focus on anything long enough to really know what’s going on, I am just going through the motions, most of which I do not remember. The noise is deafening to my ears, and everything is just noise.
I have yet to go through your things. I am scared, Darren, scared of the finality of that time. I know you are not longer here on this earth with me. I know I will not see you again until my times comes….
Going through your things will be so final.
I can’t even bear to think about it.
When does the pain end, Darren?
When will my heart be okay?
When will I be able to walk down the street, talk to your siblings, or make a phone call without dropping on the floor in a complete mess of tears?
If the pain I feel right now, at this moment, is anywhere near the pain you felt, I can definitely understand your actions.
I wish you had made a different choice. I wish you had talked to me or to your dad or to someone. I wish people had listened. I wish people had paid attention.
I wish, I wish, I wish…..
Through all of this, through all the pain and heartbreak, through all my memories of you, I hope you know one thing….
I hope you know how much I love you. I told you every day, so I hope you remember.
My heart breaks daily because I want you here with me, with us, but I know you are happy now. I know that your pain is gone. I know you walk with angels.
I love you, son.
I loved you from the moment I knew of you in my womb and I will continue to love you to the end of my time on this earth. I love you.
Be happy now and smile at the beauty that surrounds you. I know you are in heaven and one day, I hope to see you there.