My son taking his life has taught me one thing for sure:
To those who believe you never to be good enough, you never will be.
Those who think the world of you, they always will.
I hate that my son took his life because he didn’t feel good enough for some people.
It breaks my heart every day to know that a sweet soul such as him carried so much pain in his heart……pain he kept hidden…..pain he didn’t talk about…..pain that he wrestled with every single day of his life.
Prior to my son’s death, he got into some trouble over a girl. Prior to my son’s death he had lived with his father for fifteen years except the two months at the beginning of this year that he lived with me.
I cannot not stress it enough:
Pay attention to your loved ones. Watch for changes in their behavior, their moods, their actions, their words. Pay close attention so when one small thing is different you will notice. And when you notice, talk to them about it. Reach out to them. Let them know that you noticed that small change and you want to be there for them in whatever they are dealing with that caused the change.
My son took his life. He did that. He is responsible for his action no matter how bad it hurts those who loved him, love him still.
Why did he take his life?
Why didn’t he reach out to someone?
What was so deep in his heart to hurt him enough to do what he did?
Maybe these are questions I will never get the answers too. I’m not okay with that, but I don’t get a choice.
Something very precious was taken from me and others.
And I am left with questions, dreams for him that will never happen, and reminders of him everywhere around me.
His youngest siblings will never know how awesome he was.
His nephew/niece will never know him at all.
He will never graduate or travel the world like he wanted.
He will never finish the work he wanted to do on his truck or tough truck the Nissan as he planned to do.
He will never marry or have kids of his own.
He will never photograph another sunset or draw another barn.
He will never strum another string on his guitar.
He will never visit Australia or snowboard in the Swiss Alps as he talked about.
He will never do so many things that he dreamed up.
My son is now forever seventeen.
And I’m not okay with that either.
So much of his life un-lived.
I miss him so much and think of him every day, every night.
Please, if you only ever remember one thing that I’ve written, if you only ever take heed to one thing, take heed to this:
Love your children now because one dsy may not come and then you will have nothing but your memories.
My son once said, if he were ever gone it would just be nothing, just Darren, gone.
I can see the pain in his words. I can feel the pain in his words,
but he was so, so wrong.
To me, it’s not just Darren gone,
It’s a BIG piece of my heart missing for the rest of my days on this earth, a BIG hole.
He’s not just gone..
….he took a piece of me with him.