I love this picture of my baby! He looks so much like me when I was young.
I ran across a letter today that I wrote to Darren in November of 2015. It reads as follows:
November 17, 2018
Hello, my boy. Sometimes, I don’t quite know what to say, but yet I have so much I want to say.
I will start with the MOST IMPORTANT piece of information I can give you –
I love you, all day, every day, no matter what, no matter the circumstance, no matter the mistake, no matter the good deed, and just as much (if not more so) than the last time I told you. You can never do anything in this world that will change my heart about you. As I told you a few days ago, there will be days you make me happy, days you make me cry, days you disappoint me, days you make me laugh so hard I may start crying, days you will make me so proud I could burst and days that drive me completely insane, but NEVER will there be a day in my lifetime or yours that my heart loses its’ love for you. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, you made a difference in my life, The forty weeks I carried you, my heart beat with love, sustaining life for you. The day I held you in my arms, that spot in my heart reserved only for you grew and kept growing. You see, a mom’s heart never runs out of room for her children. She could have one, eight, or twenty, but each child has a reserved spot in mom’s heart to call his/her own. I don’t love any of you kids any less or more than the next. I love you differently because you are each different. My love for you is and always will be as deep as the deepest ocean, as bright as that ball of fire in the sky, and as sweet as the lullabies I used to sing to you as a baby. This is the most important truth, other than God, that I can ever give you.
However, now I want to tell you that life is hard. It seems with each passing weekend I spend with you, you are withdrawing more and more. I’m concerned for this, for you. I am not sure if this is normal teenage behavior or if it’s something more. Dylan was quite different at your age. I am not sure if I should be worrying or if I should be accepting that this may just be teenage angst for you. I will say, though, that I am here for you. I am here if and when you want to talk. I am here if you want to cry on my shoulder…I know, I know….boys your age don’t cry. Just saying, if you did, I’m here. I am here if you just want to watch a movie, go to dinner, or a theater movie…..for whatever you need or want from me as long as it’s not dangerous or illegal.
When I talk to you, I cannot always tell if you agree with what’s being said or if you’re only agreeing because you want the conversation to be over. You are quiet. You are more inside your head. Honestly, I am not even always sure if something is bothering you.
Then, not only is reading you hard for me, I seem to forget when looking at you beings you’re so tall, that you are two years younger than Dylan. After conversation with you, at any time, I can hear the difference between your age and his. But this isn’t about Dylan.
I want you to know, that even though you seem older to me because of your height, I see you when I look at you. I see what you have given me in this life. I see the heart you try to keep tucked away, but every now and again, it breaks free. I see the laughter in your eyes. I see the words you want to say, but don’t. I see you Darren. I see my blue-eyed, blond, curly headed little boy. I see the man you will become. I see the hurt you feel sometimes. I see the anger you try to keep tightly bound. I see the indifference you portray that hides the soft-hearted boy you used to be and the teenager you are now. I see goodness and love that you are scared to display. I say, let it all out, Darren. Be the kindness and the goodness and the love that you have inside of you. Let the whole world see it, feel it. I say this because it helps you, but it will also make the world a better place.
You remind me so much of myself when I was your age, but at the same time, you don’t. It was hard for me to love others when I was growing up. I didn’t trust easily. I was always unsure of myself so I hid behind a facade of false bravado. I thought too much about what others thought of me and that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I secretly vied for people’s approval, but acted as if I didn’t care what they though of me. I was scared and became mule-headed because of it. I wanted change in my life all the time because that was how I felt alive. Change for me happened quite frequently as a child due to the senseless amount of moves we made.
I just want you to know, Darren, that parents don’t ever stop learning how to parent. I know you don’t like all the gushy-gushy stuff, the emotional stuff, but I’d really like for you to talk about it. I really will make you feel better. If your feelings are heavy right now, it’d be a relief to unburden some of that weight. Now, I am not a doctor and I am not going to label you. I am perplexed by you. I don’t know if you have really deep sadness or if you are just going through teenage hormones. Whatever it is, remember that I am always here for you. Call me. Hug me. Talk weather with me. Text me “I love you mom.” I can respect you and your space, but I refuse to let you stay downstairs all weekend without talking to me. When I come down to talk to you, it makes my day. It makes me smile.
I love you to the moon and back, kiddo.
As I read through that letter, my heart smiled and ached at the same time. I miss him so much. I’d been concerned about him for a while, but…….
When I found that letter, I was happy. How awesome it is that he saved it!
#hewassomebodytome #myheartisbroken #foreverlovedandsadlymissed