These last few days of summer are busy, busy, busy trying to get everything ready for the school year. Today’s agenda: took a couple of the kids to their semi-annual dental appointment.
As I sat in the waiting area for my kids’ turn, I watched everyone scurrying around me as they, too, were doing the last minute dental check-ups. It was a busy place today! I observed in my own quiet way. The introvert that I am, I just watched. Kids here and there, even ran into a friend’s son, someone who knew my son. He kindly ask me how I was doing, but I try to stay away from the subject of Darren with most people as it….it’s a hard topic for me. I told him we were hanging in as expected and then changed the subject back to him and his accomplishments. He has been kind of a big deal at his high-school the last few years due to his wrestling skills so I gave him congrats on his upcoming freshman year in college and more wrestling. Yes, I’m guilty. I don’t know all the wrestling terms, but it was nice to see him. I know his parents are proud of his hard work and commitment. He will do great things in his life. My point here was that I just needed to change the subject from my son to something a lot less emotional for me.
As he said goodbye and left with his friends, I went back to my observing. Each family was there for a purpose, a dental check-up and as I watched their perfectly ordinary lives from the outside looking it, nothing seemed askew. The children chatted, the parents or parent thumbed through magazines and conversed with their children. And as we normally see, many people were on their phones, completely oblivious to the noise around them. I continued my observing, most of the time lost in thought – a black cloud hovering above me – wondering what their lives were really like. Nobody except the receptionist knew of what had happened to my son. To be kind, she asked how we were doing – a well-meaning question full of concern, but it cuts so deeply as my heartbreak is still so recent. It’s only been three months. A question that is asked with the best of intentions, but painful nonetheless.
Every day I swim in this grief, trying with all my heart to claw my way out of the darkness, but not having much luck. I wonder if everyone else knows and just not saying anything because what is there really to say? What are the other people in this place really thinking?
They don’t know. How could they?
Finally, our turn. As we made our way to the exam tables, the boys needed updated dental x-rays so we started there. Looks like braces in the near future for one, the other just needs to brush his teeth better. What is it with kids and brushing their teeth? You would think they would want clean teeth!
Time to exit my head and put on my focus hat because now it’s time to drive. It felt like a really long day, but in all actuality, we were only gone about 3 hours.
In my grief-stricken state of mind, three hours that felt like a week and now my mind is exhausted.
How does grief have that affect on people?
He’s never far from my thoughts. The pain is always with me.
#heavyheart #MissinHimBad #Darren #Smoochie #anotherdaywithouthim #FightSuicide