What do you say when you have so much to say?
What do you say when so much of what you have to say can be hurtful? What do you say when you can’t say anything?
That’s where I am for the last 4 months.
Hurtful thoughts that
turn into hurtful words
that have potential to turn into hurtful actions.
What do you say?
I spoke with a friend the other day….a friend – and I use the term loosely – I haven’t spoken to in a very long while.
Friends…could be friends I suppose, but….well who the hell knows?
Anyway, during our conversation I told her about everything I have been dealing with in a nutshell kind of conversation. I didn’t include all the painful details, but the important ones.
As I sat there in the conversation with her, it dawned on me that I probably need to see a counselor because…..
My heart is broken from years and years of dealing with hatred and, quite frankly, stupidity.
I feel anger. I feel hurt. I feel confused and betrayed and everything in between.
I have a constant ache in my heart from losing Darren, but what hurts the most is that so many years of his life were stolen from me by a selfish person….and now, I don’t think it will ever go away. When he died, a piece of me died to. Dylan is grown-up, about to become a daddy and Darren will be 17 forever…will never see his 18th birthday.
So, what do you say, when you have so much to say, so much that could be hurtful…..could probably even be considered hateful? What do you say?
How do you keep maneuvering through the grief, one painful swerve after another? How do you keep living life when all you really want to do is go live alone in a cave until whenever? How do you continue to put one foot in front of the other when both of your feet feel like 1000 lb dumbbells?
I will say this:
Death freaking sucks! Death of a child. Death of a parent. Death of a friend. Death of a stranger.
Death freaking sucks, but nobody is immune from it!
Now, I can be a bit more understanding when it comes to other people’s losses. I can listen without trying to ease their pain because nothing I say makes a difference anyway. Trust me, I understand this better now. I will no longer be one of those people who wants to offer my condolences, instead I will be there to say,
“This freaking sucks!”
And I will mean it because it does freaking suck.
So, again, what do you say when most of what you have to say, during a time like mine, is going to hurt someone else?
You say nothing at all.