If you’ve ever lost anyone close to you, you understand how incredibly lonely it can be.
Learning to live without that person is scary and even stressful. For me, moving forward in my life makes me feel as if I am betraying my son, like I can’t live life because he doesn’t get to live life. It causes a deep-rooted fear of moving forward. Fear of forgetting him (I know it’s not possible to forget him, but the fear is real). Fear of failing to keep his memory alive. Just constant fear.
After my son took his life – yes, there is a difference, he didn’t just die, he chose to take his life – I felt even more broken than I already was. I felt weak and lost. We are all broken because none us are perfect, but at that point, when he took his life, everything was broken inside of me.
The way I viewed the world.
I’ve attended only one Mass since my son has been gone. The loss completely ravaged my calm, my beliefs, everything I was striving to achieve in my walk with the Lord. No part of me understood why my son had to leave this world, but moreso, in the manner in which he left.
I still don’t understand. I probably will never understand. I am not even sure if my heart is willing to trust and have faith in God’s plan and that is scary for me. How do I go from losing my son, trying to understand the why to accepting that he’s gone and trusting God sees the bigger picture? I fight every day to get back there, to get back that trust, to find my faith again.
How did it get so lost?