Life Moments #52 – A Little Joy

As many of you know, I became a grandmother a month ago. She is the most precious bundle of joy in the world. And I am one lucky mimi!

We are in the midst of the Christmas season, celebrating Christmas only four days ago. My family and I were all sick for a few days prior so on Christmas Day we were quarantined. I cancelled out plans to spend the day with my oldest son, his girlfriend, and our granddaughter along with my parents, siblings, and nieces/nephew who were supposed to come into town. My hubby and I spent the day with one another and our children. It’s been a long time, if ever, that my husband and I celebrated the holiday with only our children. It was a beautiful day. We opened gifts first thing….you know how kids can be. My husband and I prepared our Christmas meal. We watched movies and played board games. I read a few stories to the kiddos. It was just a beautiful day without any chaos, surprisingly enough.

Just this afternoon, my oldest son and his family came to the house to celebrate Christmas since we are back to good health. My husband and I made round 2 of Christmas meal, scaled down a bit, and we visited. It was another beautiful day. We gave the three of them their gifts after having Christmas meal and visited some more. To top of the evening, I was asked to babysit my granddaughter.

Of course I will!

Oh, I love the little peanut. I love babies anyway, but she sure is a blessing! And she’s not an overly cranky baby so the evening has gone very well.

I was very concerned with the Christmas season beings it’s our first Christmas without Darren. He has been in my thoughts frequently the last few days. Tears have been shed, a few nights have been sleepless, but that seems to be the norm for me the last months. The joy of the season has been flighty at best. I have still been questioning much about my faith. Some days I seem to be okay and feel pretty faithful, but other days not so much. Some days I think I am making headway, and other days I know I am losing ground — going backwards.

What a topsy-turvy existence!

But, over the last couple of days, I have seen a glimpse of my joy. Fleeting, maybe, but I seen it. I recognized it! And I want it back!

Little Miss Ivory has been a blessing through such a time of turmoil. I love that sweet, precious baby with all my heart.

She may never know Darren in person, but by the time she grows up, she will swear she did! She will hear all the stories of him. She will love him through our love for him.

As always, I ask for continued prayer for my family and I ❤

~ Shannon ~

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Life Moments # 51 – I Don’t Know Anymore

Sad-Quotes-Love-Quotes-Cute-Heartbroken-Relationship-Quotes-6079As this year gets ever closer to rolling into a new one, my heart continues to break for what my family has endured.

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore because it appears that this time of mourning should come to a close. Now is the time I start grieving alone and not let that grief be seen by others who are in my life.

I am so confused. I’ve never been here before and I don’t know how to navigate this area of life. I know we all lose someone eventually, but it seems I am doing it wrong. Lord, please help me. I am failing at what I am supposed to be doing which is being a wife and a mother among other relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, I know God is there. I know He is, but I don’t know where. I want to see him all around me, but it’s as if I have become blind. It’s dumb! I don’t want to have a broken heart, but I do. Can that be changed? Will it remain broken or is there some healing somewhere?

I am confused. I am angry. I am sad.

But, I still feel joy. I still feel happiness. I still feel sympathy for others. And I still feel hope for our future.

I fear those things, my feelings of such, do not matter. There is so much about life, about God, that I have yet to understand.

As many of you know from past posts, I have stopped attending church. For reasons that make sense to me and despite anyone’s understanding or lack thereof, I have. However, it is now beginning to affect my marriage. And I feel stuck. I consider myself a Christian wife, but I am left with questions about my faith. I am left with questions about how it all ties together.

If I understand correctly, our lives are based on choices by the hour, by the minute even! And while we can’t make choices for someone else, we are in full control of our own choices. When I go through my choices – some hasty, some thought out carefully – I can weigh the impact of each choice I have and then make the best possible choice. Right? The best possible choice.

But for who?

Who am I considering when I make my choices? Not only who else will my choices affect, but how.

Okay, so that part about choices, I can understand.

What I can’t understand is: Are my choices the only ones affecting my family?

Don’t worry if you are confused, I am too.

I am wrestling with the devil in a time when I want to be listening to God. I am wrestling between my heart and my head.

And I fear I am losing.

Today is not a good day. Today, I am not okay.

Please pray for me, for my family.

~ Shannon ~