As this year gets ever closer to rolling into a new one, my heart continues to break for what my family has endured.
Honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore because it appears that this time of mourning should come to a close. Now is the time I start grieving alone and not let that grief be seen by others who are in my life.
I am so confused. I’ve never been here before and I don’t know how to navigate this area of life. I know we all lose someone eventually, but it seems I am doing it wrong. Lord, please help me. I am failing at what I am supposed to be doing which is being a wife and a mother among other relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I know God is there. I know He is, but I don’t know where. I want to see him all around me, but it’s as if I have become blind. It’s dumb! I don’t want to have a broken heart, but I do. Can that be changed? Will it remain broken or is there some healing somewhere?
I am confused. I am angry. I am sad.
But, I still feel joy. I still feel happiness. I still feel sympathy for others. And I still feel hope for our future.
I fear those things, my feelings of such, do not matter. There is so much about life, about God, that I have yet to understand.
As many of you know from past posts, I have stopped attending church. For reasons that make sense to me and despite anyone’s understanding or lack thereof, I have. However, it is now beginning to affect my marriage. And I feel stuck. I consider myself a Christian wife, but I am left with questions about my faith. I am left with questions about how it all ties together.
If I understand correctly, our lives are based on choices by the hour, by the minute even! And while we can’t make choices for someone else, we are in full control of our own choices. When I go through my choices – some hasty, some thought out carefully – I can weigh the impact of each choice I have and then make the best possible choice. Right? The best possible choice.
But for who?
Who am I considering when I make my choices? Not only who else will my choices affect, but how.
Okay, so that part about choices, I can understand.
What I can’t understand is: Are my choices the only ones affecting my family?
Don’t worry if you are confused, I am too.
I am wrestling with the devil in a time when I want to be listening to God. I am wrestling between my heart and my head.
And I fear I am losing.
Today is not a good day. Today, I am not okay.
Please pray for me, for my family.
~ Shannon ~