I have never been one for New Year resolutions and I guess I won’t start now, but I do wonder what the new year will bring.
I am so over 2018. It’s brought heartache and joy, as most years do I suppose. I mean, how do we get through life without them!?!
As I type this, my mind is full of questions. Disappointments are ranking pretty high in my world of late. It’s hard to look at someone you love with all your heart with defeat.
I feel defeated.
I feel drained.
I feel disheartened.
I see my world slowly unraveling and I can’t seem to regain hope that my disappointments will become joys.
And as I have been for awhile, the questions about my faith seem to be coming more rapidly.
NOTHING make sense!
I look around at everyone I love. I see the anger. I see the sadness. I see the brokenness. I see the fear and concern. I see the weaknesses that we try to hide. And I ask:
Where is God in all of it?
I’ve said before, I don’t blame God for my son taking his life. We make choices and sadly, he made his. It has affected me tremendously. I mean, I really can’t even put it into words. So, no I don’t blame him.
I wonder: Where is He in all of it? Where was He when my son needed him? Where is He now?
Trust God, they say.
It’s God’s plan, they say.
God gives us free will, they say.
God sees the whole picture while we only see small portions of it, they say.
And what they say makes sense, somewhat…
I am CONFUSED!
I am angry about my confusion.
All these thoughts of life, of Darren, of situations right now are roaring through my head constantly yet I have NO answers.
I am tired.
In fact, I am exhausted.
I just want it to stop.
The questions. The sadness. The confusion.
I am drowning in it…..
So, what will this new year bring?
I don’t know, but I am nervous about it.
I think I am actually developing anxiety over it, if developing anxiety is a thing….
Prayers please. Lots and lots of prayers.
~ Shannon ~