I sat and stared out my window, watching the snow fall silently and peacefully from the foggy morning sky to the cold, hard earth below. A cover of sparkly white now rests gently on the rolling hills outside. It looks as if it would be so soft and cuddly to the touch, but we know, it would be cold and wet.
As I sit here, watching the snow fall, it occurred to me it’s been eight months today, eight months since you left us. Eight months since I seen your smile. Eight long, hard, emotional months.
I am still just as lost today as I was that day eight months ago. The days and weeks just keep going just as they did in those early days and weeks with me stumbling around blindly, somehow trying to make my way through the mire. And of course, I still think about you constantly. It’s kind of funny, but always sad though because some days you consume my thoughts and other days, I just float along. Here, but not really here.
How do I keep going?
I ask myself this everyday. Somehow, I always find the strength, this unknown force that makes me get out of bed each morning and proceed through my day as normally as possible. I have considered counseling, multiple times, but have yet to find the courage to attend. I am making headway though. I did call someone the other day. Now I wait, Wait for courage. Wait for time. Wait for comfort. Wait. It seems to be a game of waiting all these months.
It’s silly, I know, this irrational fear that I have. Anxiety has taken hold of me. I worry about silly things now that didn’t hardly ever get my gander up…that is before you passed away.
I see the goodness around me, my life full of chaos mixed with love, the kids arguing and playing so joyfully. You know our life. You know who we are, what kind of parents we are, about how your siblings are with one another. You know the good times we’ve had in our life and the not-so-good times. You know it all because you were part of it for seventeen years, four months and six days.
Sometimes, when I have a moment to myself, a moment to simply get lost in my thoughts, I see you. I see you with me. I think of you often, which you and everyone else around me knows very well. Our life isn’t the same without you. Your departure has left a hole in our hearts and I wonder if I will ever make it through.
I am tired, Darren.
I. Am. Tired.
And fighting to keep going is even more tiring.
As always, You Should Be Here
~ Shannon ~