It’s harder than most people think. Everyone wants to say, “I understand” or “It will get better with time” or “It will stay with you forever.”
And which do I believe most? – “It will stay with you forever.”
As for the rest – No, you probably don’t understand and No, it won’t get better with time.
Because losing him was hard. It was a life-changer, a life-changer I want nothing to do with, a life-changer that nobody needs or wants, a life-changer that I didn’t get a choice in. Many people might say it’s a life-changer that nobody deserves. However, when I hear the word deserve, my question isn’t about whether or not I deserved it or my family deserved it, but did he deserve it? It doesn’t really matter though, in the end, because deserving something is a moot point. We make choices and we live with those choices. Sometimes, choices made by others will have just as big as, if not bigger, of an impact on us than our own choices.
With that said, I miss him terribly. I miss everything about him. His kindness. His laughter. His insane belief that he must carry his burdens alone. I miss his smile and the way he played with his siblings. I miss his quick texts, short and to the point, never saying more or less than was needed. I miss the quiet way he walked through the house and his hugs. I miss his hugs so much. Not the quick, arm thrown across my shoulder kind of hugs (although all hugs are Great!), but the way he wrapped his arms completely around me and he let me do the same. I miss him asking me to make him oatmeal every afternoon after school or at some random time on a Sunday. I miss watching him interact with his siblings. I miss the wrestling matches with his brothers and watching them toss the football in the yard. I miss the love that shown so brightly when he held Zephaniah. I miss the softness that he was in his heart, his voice, his temperament.
He was quiet. He was lovable. When he smiled, his eyes lit up the world around him. I miss him something awful and I will never get over it.
It’s only been 8 1/2 months – sad, depressing months. I can’t fathom the rest of my life without him.
Most days, like happened this morning, something will trigger thoughts of him and then the sadness starts all over again.
I miss him and I want him back. Nothing will ever change that. Not time. Not age. Not years that go by. He will always be part of me and there will always be sadness there.
~ Shannon ~