It’s been a long while sine I last posted. To be fair, though, I have a lot going on. As most of you know, a friend and I founded the nonprofit DJW Life Project in memory of my son. My family takes up most of my time and what’s left, I devote to DJW Life. Sometimes, there are never enough hours in the day……
The other evening, my thoughts were plagued with doubts. Doubts about my mothering skills where Darren was concerned. Doubts about my mothering skills where his older brother is concerned. For years, they were pumped full of the hatred their dad felt toward me. Not by me, but by their dad. I began to doubt myself as a mother to them many years ago. When their step-mom was still alive, he led everyone to believe she was their mom, always trying to replace me. It didn’t work because they knew who their mom was and I made sure to stay as present as possible in their lives, as much as their dad would allow. When he had a girlfriend, he didn’t need me as much so he took time away from me. When he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d let me have them as much as I wanted.
You see, his goal was to use them to hurt me. For reasons I will never understand, he wanted to hurt me. I mean, we were done. We had been done for a long time. If truth be known, he never wanted me anyway so why continue to hurt me? And why use two beautiful, innocent little boys to do so? As I learned over the course of their lives (the two boys), it was all about control. He could control me by using the boys. And, for some reason, he needed the control.
When the boys were young, four and six, they woke up in the wee hours of the morning…around 2:00 a.m. to find the house empty, except the two of them. They left their house to come find me because their dad so responsibly (ahem, sincere sarcasm) left them home alone. I lived about 4-5 blocks down the road from them. A Mandan officer seen them, but couldn’t stop so he called another officer. The officer arrived to see them walking down the street. He stopped them, spoke to them and they took him back to their dad’s house. While the officer was still inside with the boys, their dad pulled up on his motorcycle. The cop asked the boys to stay inside and he went out to speak with their dad. Their dad came up with all these lies to explain where he was and why the boys were left home alone. Their dad smelled of alcohol, but that’s okay I guess. Apparently, in Mandan it’s perfectly legal to leave two children under the age of 8 home alone in the wee A.M. hours so you can go out drinking. Who knew? Oh, but then it’s also perfectly legal to continue to lie about it.
But, do you think anything happened? Hell no. The case got forwarded to social services and the Mandan District Attorney, who declined to bring charges against him. It took over a month for social services to even get in contact with me because he kept lying to her about my phone number.
Now, fast-forward 13 years and what do we have…..a district attorney in Mandan bringing charges against a 17 y/o boy who had never been in trouble in his life. It’s nice to see such a corrupt system when it comes to asshole adults, but a by-the-book, make-the-charges-stick-at-all-costs system when a child messes up one time. Ahemm….spoken with the most sincere sarcasm I can speak with.
By the way, if you’d like to see the police report on this case of neglect incident above, just ask for it. FYI, you can’t ask the Mandan P.D. for a copy because it has miraculously disappeared from their database. At the time of the incident, for whatever reason, the case was referred to child services in Bismarck. Coincidentally, they can’t find the report in their database either.
Almost a year after my son took his life, the shock is gone. The heartbreak remains. The questions remain. And now, the doubts begin, doubts of how good of a mother I was to him.
*This post was inspired by a young lady who is Unsilenced *
Speak truth and the truth will set you free.