There is nothing in the world I can possibly say today any better than to say: I miss you a ton. My heart grieves for you every day. You are always on my mind. The biggest question I have is:
Being along is okay with me. I like the quiet. I like the peace. I enjoy getting lost inside my head.
Some days – like today – being alone is scary. The last few days for me have been harder for some reason. I am still trying to move forward after Darren’s death and most days I am okay.
But some days….I am not okay.
And the last few days have been the ‘I am not okay’ kind of days.
These days seem to sneak up on me and I don’t know where they come from.
It could be the four murders that have been all over the news.
It could be because my aunt is hospitalized and they are certain she will not live much longer.
It could be that I was at the cemetery recently and there were five or six fresh graves with one of those being right by Darren.
It could be because I have been focusing so much on coordinating our Darren’s Voice event that I barely have down time.
It could be that my daughter is sick so I have not been sleeping well. But in all fairness, I haven’t slept well since Darren died.
It could be any number of things going on in my life or around me in society that are cause for me to feel a little less like myself the last few days even though I am still trying to find the person I am now because I am definitely not the same person I was before Darren died.
All I know for sure at this moment is….I am not okay this day or the last few days. And all I want to do is snuggle into a corner somewhere, by myself and cry until I have exhausted every tear within me.
Today, I am not okay.
If you need me, you will find me curled up with my daughter watching/listening to Baby Shark or any other silly song.show that will allow my mind to escape, even if only but for a minute.
Today, I cannot adult.
~ Shannon ~