Life in General

Life Moments #63 – Feelings of Guilt, Loneliness, Anger, Fear, and Confusion

Where do I even begin? I am almost a year into the grief of losing my son and my emotions are all over the map.

I have this theory.

I’ve heard a million times since Darren died that time will heal. My theory is: That’s a damn lie. Time does not heal anything. In place of the healing that time is supposed to do, time is only making the loss more bearable. Maybe! Time buries the pain of the loss, the broken heart, the memories. Time is a thief that doesn’t heal anything.

You know what I have felt over the last year?

Guilt.

Loneliness.

Anger – a lot of anger!

Fear – of everything.

And confusion. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember anything.

I am trying to keep my marriage together, trying to keep my sanity, trying to ‘heal,’ striving to be the best mom I can be and I am convinced I am failing at it all.

I cry and I get angry.

People tell me don’t bury your feelings. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. All the while, they sit back and judge for every feeling that you have. In this world, society is convinced that feelings are wrong. We can’t feel this or that because if that feeling just so happens to go against what another holds to be true or against another in any way, we are condemned for feelings. Feelings are used against you. Feelings are used to hurt you. Your feelings are someone’s weapon against you.

My son, Darren, had written some ‘suicide’ notes a year prior to his death. His dad and his dad’s useless girlfriend knew of these letters, but kept it from me. The letters were ignored. When I found the letters, I informed his dad and his dad’s useless girlfriend and asked her about them. She told me she already knew of the letters. Okay, right now none of that matters, but in the grand scheme of things, it matters very much. But, anyway, the letters. In the letters, my son mentions his feelings. He mentions he doesn’t talk about his feelings because he doesn’t want to be some ’emotional freakshow‘ and that he doesn’t talk about his feelings because he doesn’t want someone to use his feelings against him. How true it is! People will use whatever they can to hurt another.

And that’s why people don’t talk about their feelings. That’s why people begin to feel ashamed or embarassed about their feelings. That’s why people keep their feelings bottled deep inside until the feelings are destroying the individual.

And right now, my feelings are guilt, loneliness, anger, fear and confusion.

And they are destroying me. I am really hoping the grief counseling will work soon enough.

I know, I know….Life is NOT about feelings!

~ Shannon ~

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Life in General

Life Moments #62 – T – 9 days Until the Day My World Changed….Forever

May 17, 2018 – The day my world changed in a terrible way.

We are 9 days shy of the day Darren passed away. This past year has been hard, to say the least. We lost someone dear to us, but we also gained someone dear to us. It’s been a year of a thousand tears, bad dreams, unanswered questions, and memories flooding my mind.

Remember, a while back I posted that I have 17 years worth of photographs of Darren that I couldn’t bear to look at. My heart just couldn’t take it. Well, I still have yet to look at them. I have the ones in my room (where I spend a majority of my time) that I see daily and the ones that pop up in my newsfeed on FB and the ones I keep reposting because I can’t bear to add new ones, but I cannot look at my photo albums. I look at the photographs in my room only to see what will never be, the life that he should have lived as an adult that will never come to fruition. Don’t get me wrong, those photos present a ton of good memories of him, but they are also testament that his life will never proceed past the age of 17. We were robbed of that!

Now, almost a year later, I look at how much has changed, how much I have changed. Of course, we have the physical changes in our environment, the changes in which we cannot see him, we can no longer hear his voice, or witness his beautiful smile. Then there are the changes within myself. The lack of sleep. The constant dreams. The plaguing unanswered questions. The uncertainties about life and what it all means. The lack of trust that has invaded my mind concerning his father, most certainly law enforcement and especially the court system (family court as well as juvenile court) — those him failed my son.

However, the change that I hope will have the most impact was taking the giant leap out of my comfort zone and into the nonprofit world. For many years, I wanted to do something with my life that went beyond myself and my family. However, my family always came first. Sure I delved into one fleeting interest after another, but – for the most part – I repeated the same interests in intermittent spurts. These interests have included quilting, photography, scrap-booking and spur-of-the-moment day trips here or there (this always included the kiddos). After losing Darren to suicide, suicide prevention became my passion, my cause. A friend and I founded DJW Life Project, a suicide prevention nonprofit organization. Much of my son is incorporated throughout the organization from the name we chose to the logo we use to represent who we are and to some of the images we use as well as the slogan we attach to just about everything.

Changes have always been hard for me, but this was one change I needed to make and jumped into with both feet. Failure is not an option because no matter how far we go (in number of years or money raised) we will have accomplished the thing we are trying to accomplish – To help at least one family to not have to go through the tragedy that mine has gone through. if we can help just one family then we will have succeeded.

So, the next biggest part of May 17th is the Darren’s Voice event that we are hosting. It will be a hard day all around, but hopefully there will be joy as well. If you’re out and about, we hope you will join us at Christ the King for an evening of fun for the whole family beginning at 4:30pm. Bring yourselves, your children, your family and your friends to enjoy the evening, but also to support suicide prevention in the small community that we live in.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

– Mahatma Ghandi

~ Shannon ~

Life in General

Life Moments #61 – Everybody Makes Mistakes

Have you ever made a mistake…..a gigantic, screw-up that just cannot be forgotten?

I have.

Okay, I have made many mistakes. After all, I am only human and nowhere near perfect.

I am the kind of person who, when I make a mistake, I apologize to those it may have hurt and then move on. I don’t carry regrets because living with regrets just plays with a person’s mind. I do, however, learn from my mistakes and carry on. Sometimes, I might even make the same mistake again. And yet again….before I finally learn.

I know some people who carry their regrets around like a monkey on their back, never to be forgotten. They learn from the mistake (the regret), but those regrets are always lurking, always at the forefront of their brains to discourage them. Their lives are guided by these regrets, present in their every thought, helping them to make a decision when one is needed to be made.

To me, these people seemed to be trapped inside their heads. How does one function like that?

One of the most aggravating things for me is when someone won’t let you live down your mistakes. It’s frustrating to be in a conversation with someone (discussion, disagreement, argument..whatever) who is insistent on reminding you of every mistake, every bad decision, etc you’ve ever made.

And when you’ve made a mistake that people don’t let you live down, they stay inside your head. Every time you turn around, this person (or more) is hovering over you, making you question your every word after. So, now not only is this person trapped in their own head, but you somehow have become trapped in yours.

It’s a relentless cycle…….