Where do I even begin? I am almost a year into the grief of losing my son and my emotions are all over the map.
I have this theory.
I’ve heard a million times since Darren died that time will heal. My theory is: That’s a damn lie. Time does not heal anything. In place of the healing that time is supposed to do, time is only making the loss more bearable. Maybe! Time buries the pain of the loss, the broken heart, the memories. Time is a thief that doesn’t heal anything.
You know what I have felt over the last year?
Anger – a lot of anger!
Fear – of everything.
And confusion. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember anything.
I am trying to keep my marriage together, trying to keep my sanity, trying to ‘heal,’ striving to be the best mom I can be and I am convinced I am failing at it all.
I cry and I get angry.
People tell me don’t bury your feelings. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. All the while, they sit back and judge for every feeling that you have. In this world, society is convinced that feelings are wrong. We can’t feel this or that because if that feeling just so happens to go against what another holds to be true or against another in any way, we are condemned for feelings. Feelings are used against you. Feelings are used to hurt you. Your feelings are someone’s weapon against you.
My son, Darren, had written some ‘suicide’ notes a year prior to his death. His dad and his dad’s useless girlfriend knew of these letters, but kept it from me. The letters were ignored. When I found the letters, I informed his dad and his dad’s useless girlfriend and asked her about them. She told me she already knew of the letters. Okay, right now none of that matters, but in the grand scheme of things, it matters very much. But, anyway, the letters. In the letters, my son mentions his feelings. He mentions he doesn’t talk about his feelings because he doesn’t want to be some ’emotional freakshow‘ and that he doesn’t talk about his feelings because he doesn’t want someone to use his feelings against him. How true it is! People will use whatever they can to hurt another.
And that’s why people don’t talk about their feelings. That’s why people begin to feel ashamed or embarassed about their feelings. That’s why people keep their feelings bottled deep inside until the feelings are destroying the individual.
And right now, my feelings are guilt, loneliness, anger, fear and confusion.
And they are destroying me. I am really hoping the grief counseling will work soon enough.
I know, I know….Life is NOT about feelings!
~ Shannon ~