Life in General

Life Moments #67 – Chaos Called Life

My oldest son and his girlfriend have a very beautiful baby girl who is almost 7 months old. She doesn’t have much hair, but what she does have looks reddish in color. Right now her eyes are blue, but that may change. It doesn’t matter what color her eyes end up being, she will always be a beautiful girl.

To help my son and his girlfriend out, I watch their little sweetheart at least three days a week while they are at work so I get to spend quite a bit of time with her. One day when I took her home, I watched her and my son together. He’s so good with her. He makes her laugh and he cuddles her. He talks to her and plays with her. He’s a good little daddy. He takes an active part in raising her and caring for her throughout the day (or evening when he’s not at work).

As I watched them, it took me back a few years — when my son was a baby and he’s 20 now. All the memories of his childhood came flooding back which brought back all the memories of his brother, Darren. When I see my oldest son with my granddaughter, it’s beautifully amazing. Babies always bring such joy to our lives and he is a wonderful father. When I first found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, it changed my whole life, but I knew he was what I wanted.

Ever since I could remember, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mom…mothering came a few years before the wife part, but all these years later, I can say that I am happy being both. Dylan was the start of my mothering journey. It changed me. Being a mom changed me.

And now, 20 years later, I find myself in another place of change, but this change I would rather do without. Now, I am a still a wife, a mother, but also a mother who has lost a child. However, I find myself focusing on watching Dylan raising his daughter as well as being an active presence in her life. And as I will be doing for the next sixteen years, my husband and I are raising our brood who still live at home.

It’s a beautiful, crazy busy, but sometimes sad life that we must make the most of every day.

And, still, none of it makes sense.

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Life in General

Life Moments #66 – He’s Everywhere, but Here with Us

It’s that time of year again….

That time we all wait for, long for, get impatient for…..

Summer.

Bikes and ballgames.

Campfires and carnival rides.

4th of July and fireworks….

So much entertainment in the summer.

So many more activities to enjoy.

And what’s a favorite among the summer season…

Motorcycles.

Where I live, there is a lot of road construction in progress.

A much needed, but very frustrating improvement.

It’s a pain, to say the least.

So, while driving recently, I was driving in a non-congested area where the double-lane highway was actually still usable. I went to switch lanes, but as I checked my mirrors, I saw the motorcycle cross into my lane to pass the vehicle in front of him and if I moved over I would end of hitting him so I reduced my speed and let him pass and switch lanes before me. As he passed me into the other lane, a distressing thought occurred to me…..what if I’d hit the motorcyclist?

I get frustrated with motorcyclists, not because I have an issue with sharing the road with them – I love motorcycles! I get frustrated because of how everyone jumps on the bandwagon about watching for motorcyclists. Mind you, we should keep our eyes peeled for two-wheeled transportation. However, sometimes these motorcyclists are just as, if not more so, reckless than drivers in four-wheeled vehicles. Motorcyclists have just as much responsibility to be attentive drivers as any other driver.

It doesn’t always seem as such, unfortunately.

So that’s my rant of the day..and it’s over.

Back to the motorcycle…..after the motorcyclists passed me and got back into the other lane, I proceeded to make my lane switch. After the initial distressing question that popped into my mind, my next thought was Darren – my son who passed away last spring/summer.

Darren, shortly after he got his bike.

When I thought of him, my next reaction/thought was — I’m glad I saw the motorcycle well ahead of time because had I hit him, his family would have been in the place I’m in now…pure and utter darkness, confusion and heartbreak. And then I thought that it could have been Darren. Yes, Darren is already gone, but a motorcycle/car collision could have happened to him at anytime while he was riding his bike.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I am doing, thoughts of Darren can pop up at anytime.

I miss him a ton.

My son didn’t die in a motorcycle accident, but with summer here, let’s watch out for motorcyclists as each one is someone else’s father, mother, son, daughter, or sibling.

And loss is loss. It’s not something I wish on even my worst enemy.