Feeling pretty low the last couple of weeks. Feeling defeated. It has settled into my bones like some damn winter cold at a most inconvenient, worrisome time!
For every step I take forward, I seem to get knocked back by two.
I was having conversation with my husband the other day and I said that everyone just seems to me moving forward in their lives as if Darren never even existed. At first he was offended because he thought I was talking about him so he asked me, “Don’t you think I ever think about him?” My response was, “Of course I do. I wasn’t speaking about you, but others. So, what kinds of things do you think about when you think about him?” He thought for a moment and then said very softy, “Things we didn’t get to do and things I wanted to do with him.” I watched his face fall a little. I looked at him…..really looked at him and saw a man rather than my husband. I saw a man with stress lines on his face, crinkles at the corners of his eyes, the weathered look of a man used to working hard and being outdoors. I noticed his hair thinning on top of his head with a few gray hairs here and there, signs of stress, they say. I also noticed his hands, hands toughened by laborious work. The years of hard work and stress are starting to catch.
This man who I love with all my heart, but can drive me absolutely mad at the same time just had his 39th birthday. Sometimes, I believe he feels defeated as well.
Life sure does have a way of showing us how small we really are in the grand scheme of things. Amidst all the chaos of this crazy ride we call life, I want to give up. I want to give up and bury my head in the sand. Darren was a joy to have for all of us who knew him and for him to leave this world so young has almost destroyed me. It has weakened me so much that I don’t have the strength to fight any of the other battles of life and I feel myself succumbing to nothingness, if that makes any sense. Some days are worse than others in a way that all I can or want to do it stay holed up in my room. I can’t do that, but I want to.
~ Trying Not to Give Up – Shannon