The hour is early……barely 5:00 a.m.. I suppose it may be a normal wake-up time for more than half of the U.S. population, but not for this little lady. My normal isn’t for another hour and a half.
So what disturbs my slumber so early on this spring morning?
I was awakened by dreams surrounding my son’s funeral.
It was a hard day yesterday, making the funeral arrangements. No parent should have to bury a child, but when someone else tries to take that right from a parent, or at the very least, just gets to be to pushy about any number of things, the whole planning process starts to decelerate, rapidly I might add.
I’ve been going over the dreadful news of my son’s death since the morning I found out, May 17, 2018 at 3:30 in the morn. Many details surrounding his death are still unclear to me. Investigation officers tell me it can take up to a month before results will be available.
How sad surviving relatives must wait so long before knowing the final results. It’s quite a conflicting state of limbo, understandable because we want the truth, but sad because we want the truth now. Right now.
I just need to remind myself that some goes months, years even maybe the better part of a lifetime without knowing. God must have special blessings for these surviving relatives.
During Mass this afternoon, the teachings focused on the Pentecost. As I sat through the readings with my grieving heart, I was listening to the moments of love that Jesus showed. More pointedly, one of the moments in which Jesus showed unconditional love to another and unselfish surrender to God’s will. Jesus was at last supper. Judas, the betrayer, had to leave to complete the task he had been paid to do and he was wondering how to excuse himself without drawing unwanted attentiin to himself -questions of his departure. Jesus, with his unselfish love, gave Judas the chance to exit without getting the dreaded questions of his departure. He called Judas to him and simply told him to do what he must all the while knowing what Judas was about to do. Meanwhile, the other men only believed that Jesus asked Judas to take the money bag to feed the poor.
As I sat there on the church pew and listened to such a beautiful story of love, my heart silently breaking, I wondered if I was putting more effort into being angry about my son’s death than I was putting into love and forgiveness.
In all my humanness, it occured to me that if I were doing that then I’m fine with it for now. Forgiveness may come, eventually, but right now……
right now I don’t have the strength and quite honestly, nor do I have the mind to.
Some day, but not this day.
Please continue to pray for me, my friends, pray for my ability to forgive the ones who I think are responsible. Pray for my ability to love in the midst of all my grief. Pray for my ability to give it all to the Lord so I may move forward – always remembering, but never holding a grudge.
I ask continued prayers for my family and for my son in Heaven.
God bless you all 💜💜💜